The 2018 Budget – A Summary with a Twist

So how did we turn a pretty grim set of figures into Budget bliss in 6months? An extra $21.4b in revenue supplied by employers via employment and employers via company tax rates. However at the time of writing this, both sides of parliament acknowledge that bosses are still bad. (Collective sigh from the ABC)

In related news, the ABC was unavailable for comment or indeed much at all, as the Libs public blood sport on the Red broadcaster continues. (Before you faint, don’t worry I checked “The Handmaidens Tale” is on SBS!)

In a move to formally acknowledge the utter disdain of the seminal hit “Creep” by Radiohead in 1992, the budget will join the band in its hatred for the song and remove “Tax Bracket Creep” by unveiling a three tiered system and completely remove the 37% bracket entirely! However the line to get past the sniffer dogs at the festival will unfortunately push the implementation date back to 2024.

In a move that will enrage an interesting voting block – criminals and terrorists with outstanding warrants will no longer be receiving welfare support. In a statement by police they acknowledged that paying the benefits would have been more useful if they had to pick them up at the local station…the budget is unclear if monies from appearance payments on Q&A would be included in the legislation.

Public sector Super debt to pass $216b – in case you’re wondering, that’s that big IOU sticker in the Pollies tea room fridge.

In a move to enrage 50 something loners currently living with their mum and not doing chores, the government has announced an additional 14,000 home care placements, to ensure they won’t be selling up the Toorak mansion any time soon.

Government predicts $4.2 billion sale of Snowy Hydro – same Government acknowledges drought down stream? Really, my advice would be a merger of the wildly successful de-sal plant in Sydney and the hydro scheme (after some sole searching and a quick recap on gravity – I retract this plan).

It has been revealed that since the Howard years the entire focus of the National Schools Chaplaincy had been focused on praying for a Budget Surplus, now achieved they will be deployed into schools and assist with less fulfilling activities.

The $7 GP co-payment has been reborn “election year style” with Government committing to the much needed spending (Joe Hockey what were you thinking) without the requirement to involved the voter in directly paying.

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In a scene reminiscent of the 1997 film “face off” these arch nemesis have swapped roles with Labor chastising the government for reckless spending and the Libs with cooking the books, (Post -GFC Wayne Swan style) declaring a return to surplus. Honestly the assumptions that underpin the return to surplus could have been penned by a Science fiction writer/ Religion founder.

In a move that has zero impact on Announcer clients, super exit fees will be scrapped. But we can review any of your existing policies taken out in the 70’s and 80’s.

Entire suburbs of capital cities will remain half built as the nations painters, waterproofers, sparkies, tilers, and unlicensed builders are prevented from receiving more than $10,000 cash. One local chippy (and swinging voter!) stated, “it gunna be a f….g very small granny flat mate!” More to come.

In a move hailed by the long suffering liver surgeons union and Bondi hipsters alike – craft beer will now enjoy lower taxation – this was a knee jerk decision to pay respect to Bob Hawke.

As a reward for community values the Government will provide a 5 year tax exemption status to the ICC for bringing the Twenty20 to Australia in….wait for it ….2020. LOL

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Our lawyers were approached for this story – and had the following comment:

“Clearly this is a satirical attempt at humour, that in their opinion was neither funny nor accurate, and that any individual who actually wanted the facts were to read the below attached fact based document, or call their trusted Adviser.”

For a Full Review of the 2018 Budget – Click Here! 

Until next year..
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